The following titles will never happen, ever
The title for the latest James Bond film has yet to be announced, so in the meantime here are some film titles that will almost certainly not be used:
- James Bond And The Baddie
- Never Say Yes To Another Mission
- Goldfinger Lives!
- Licence To Ask Carefully Constructed Questions That Allow For Exploration
- Bond And M Go Caravanning
More of these truly awful Bond titles coming soon…
Home Alone could have ended so very differently…
The awful alternative ending for the film Home Alone:
Harry the burglar is hit by a swinging paint can at the top of the stairs and is sent plummeting to his death. Marv meets his maker when Kevin gets over zealous with a soldering iron.
The film ends with Kevin burying the burglars in the back garden, with the kind assistance of neighbour Old Mr. Marley and his shovel. Kevin then retreats to his bedroom to eat a lovely cheese pizza, just for himself.
The alternative awful ending idea for the film Psycho is as follows:
Norman Bates fully embraces the role of Mother and joins a local Womens Institute, where he takes enormous pride in baking delicious victoria sponges for everyone.
He still runs the motel, as Mother, but no longer has an urge to kill people. Instead, he just has a good old moan to guests over a nice cup of tea.
The shark must return…
Everybody wants a Jaws 5 don’t they? It has been a painfully long time since Jaws: The Revenge, so a sequel is necessary!
Here are some ideas for Jaws 5:
- Ellen Brody has married Hooper and they are both retired. While holiday in Norway, Hooper thinks he sees a great white shark in the fjords. He must investigate and ropes in some seasoned Norweigan fisherman to help capture the shark
- Amity Island has turned into a theme park, cashing in on the shark attacks. The slimy mayor, played by Hugo Weaving, has also bred numerous great white sharks and introduced them into a new ride, where people float around the shark in inflatable tyres.
- Hoagie is back! Michael Caine returns to his infamous role to pursue Ellen Brody. Light on shark action but high on the romance!
- Michael Brody is so traumatised by his shark experiences that he starts to imagine he actually is a shark. He attacks swimmers in a lake by night, by biting their legs, while lurking underwater.
All quite unlikely to ever get made, but it’s a start…
A nice snowy Bond location
Nearly winter time, so how about a reminder of the beautiful snowy mountain scenery from the James Bond film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. This is Piz Gloria in Switzerland, where of course Bond poses as Sir Hilary Bray and does a bit of skiing.
“Michael Myers had never quite mastered the art of hiding properly”
From the 1978 film Halloween.
Your nerves will be shredded
The first time I watched the 1980 film The Changeling, I went in to it knowing pretty much nothing about it. I turned it off half way through. Why? It was that terrifying. Yes, really, really terrifying.
The Changeling joins two other films that I had to turn off the first time I was watching them for being too affecting. The other two being the original Nightmare on Elm Street and the original version of Ring. (Tina’s body being dragged through the school and the girl coming out of the well, being the two scenes).
The Changeling is still not that widely known, which is a terrific shame because it is an absolute standout film. It cannot be truly put into one genre, as treads between horror and thriller, with elements of mystery and the supernatural.
George C. Scott is formidable as a widowed composer who seeks solace in a mansion, which he starts to believe is haunted. But when strange things start to happen, Scott starts to suspect the house is haunted and harbours a terrible dark secret.
This is one sure-footed haunted house film that manages to achieve what so many recent haunted house films fail to do, it creates a horrendous sense of dread early on and does so with aplomb. Scott nails his performance and commands the viewer’s attention at every turn, we believe in him, we feel reassured because he is confident and mature, yet we know something awful is coming.
This has to be seen, if you want nerve shredding scares this Halloween, try and locate The Changeling. Just be warned, you might not sleep well after…
The Halloween sequel that you probably should see
When you think of the Halloween film series, thoughts naturally turn to Michael Myers in that mask, moving ridicuously slowly, Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence. But all too often, Halloween 3 does not get a a decent look-in.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch is unusual in that it does not feature Michael Myers and instead follows a completely different plot. A mask manufactuor has devised a hideous mass murder plan involving Halloween masks and an celtic ritual.
If you go into this film with an open mind and don’t expect a conventional slasher then you might be pleasantly surprised with what Halloween 3 has to offer.
There is likeable enough lead in the form of Tom Atkins, as a doctor who turns into a hero/sleuth, a smattering of romance, some creepy villains who lurk in shadows and an excellent soundtrack.
There is actually something more Halloweeny about Halloween 3 than all of the other Halloween films, perhaps because it taps into ancient rituals and evokes more of the spiritual sense of Halloween and the dark magic at work. Halloween 3 leaves you with an unsettled feeling, but also manages to have some fun along the way with some gloriously ghoulish effects. It is worth a watch, just don’t expect it to be anything like the other films and you won’t be disappointed.
Baron Samedi’s spooky look for Halloween
It is that time of year when people are frantically trawling their wardrobes, looking for a black cape, broomstick or green face paint, in the attempt to conjure up some vaguely imaginative Halloween costume.
Well this year, look no further, because you can turn to the wonderful Baron Samedi for costume inspiration. This ghoulish man was a character in the James Bond Live and Let Die and has a wardrobe to die for.
Here is how to look like Baron Samedi this Halloween:
- You need a top hat
- Paint a skeletal ribcage on your body
- Cut up an old sheet and drape around body as your main garment
- Develop a demonic laugh
- Learn how to rise out of the ground. You can pre-dig a very large hole and use a small ladder to achieve this effect
- Dance around your friends in a creepy and camp fashion and taunt them with your odd bodily movements
If you employ all of these steps you almost win any Halloween costume competition.
Bring back the Critters!
Critters 4 was 1992…it has to be time for a Critters 5? The first film remains a cult sci-fi/horror classic, so here are some ideas to kick-start a new sequel:
- The original family from Critters return. That’s Scott Grimes, Dee Wallace Stone, Billy Green Bush and Nadine Van Der Velde. The Brown family are having a Christmas reunion and old friends are invited, including Charlie (Don Keith Opper). Little do they know, a critter egg has been festering in their barn for decades without having hatched. It happens to hatch on Christmas Eve and inside is a horrendously deformed Critter with years of pent up anger. It unleashes mayhem on the Brown’s family Christmas…
- Charlie is no longer an alcoholic and has retired from working life. He paints pictures of himself and Ug as a bounty hunters for pleasure. One day, his artwork is struck by lightning and Ug comes back to life through the painting. But so does a critter. Cue mayhem
- Charlie is still a bounty hunter travelling through space on in his own. He lands on the Krite home planet. He joins a team of marines to do battle with a critters of varying shapes and sizes (Aliens style). Cue mayhem